The child and the angel (A story by Darshita, my 6-year-old niece)

Once upon a time there was a girl named Little Mermaid. She wanted to go to Mysore. She asked her father to take her to Mysore. But her father said no. Mermaid said why. Because I have no money for plane ticket. Then she went alone. She fell in a river and an Angel picked her up. Mermaid said thank you to Angel.

Bangalore Rains and Few Distorted Feelings (A Poem)

There are thousand suns/
A Million moons/
But, my earth is one/
The single raindrop is one/
The road wet in tears is one/
Leaves shivering in breeze stitches a life of unknown/
I am still there holding my pink umbrella under the pine groove of my plateau/
The paddy fields of untold stories/
Bursting and tearing apart what my innocence told me once/
Memories of my last wooden house on the tree top is what I carry with my sisters.

LION’S DEN (A SHORT STORY)

LION’S DEN (A SHORT STORY)

The crowd swelled up by evening. Almost the entire afternoon he was alone in that watering hole. Sukumar’s face was deep immersed in a smoke screen left behind by his burning cigarettes, as he sipped mugs after mugs of chilled beer. Nestled between array of shops selling discounted clothes, Lion’s Den has a notorious reputation. They say it was the first official pub to come up in the city way back in the 50s.

Before that public drinking was a rarity. The elite would drink behind guarded walls of clubs, and poor would indulge in merry-making in pavements itself. The pub polluted the educated middle-class. Now, they have a space to indulge in immorality, as liquor freely flowed from delicately designed imported bottles.

They say pub opened up innumerable doors for criminals to indulge in heinous activities. While drinkers swallowed their money and homely happiness in Lion’s Den, criminals with their puckered faces and equally puckered intentions went after their hunts with utmost successes. It jolted the public from their normal routine. Now they have to be extra alert. The alert cops were equally jolted. But they were helpless.

They could not do much, except for registering rise in crime rate in their notebook. Instances of rape, which were earlier unheard of, strangulated the city out of its pace. A thin flimsy layer of fear lurks over the city’s horizon. Unseen fear, fear residing inside the bushes of neighbourhood, fear in public spaces, fear in deserted alleys, fear in high society parties, fear in mind and body, fear even started breeding alongside mosquitoes in dirty stinking drains spread across the city.

One place that was happy and laughing aloud was Lion’s Den. Making profit in millions. It inspired many to open up similar ventures. Milk might be in scare in the city, but not alcohol. Was it happy hour from 11am to 6pm, boldly engraved in a huge yellow and green board hanging at the entrance of Lion’s Den that had hypnotised him to revisit the place after 15 years of gap, or was it intentional judging by recent events of his life?

“Whatever,” Sukumar mumbled between his breathe. “Excuse me Sir, you need something?” the young bartender attending him all this while, came rushing in to please his client. “Do me a favour. Leave me alone.” Sukumar realised his mistake of being rude. But he did not feel like asking for an apology.

“That way I would end up rendering apologies to the whole world,” he smiled to himself. The only table that had been left empty in the 30-sitter room was occupied by a love stuck couple. The huge clock hanging in the distant wall declared—10pm. “I can drink for one more hour, before it shuts down,” Sukumar settled for another beer pitcher.


*******************


He was nervous and laughing awkwardly. Perhaps in the garb of a happy face he was hiding his inner turmoil. Two most important events of his life awaited him. “Would I get the job? Would she marry me, or succumb to the pressure of her parents and marry her NRI fiancé?”

Volcano of thoughts exploded Sukumar’s bearing. His friends--Ajay and Surya--broke into first few stanzas of “Everything I do, I do it for you..”, perhaps the only English song known by his friend circle. Adithya, Rakesh, and Mohan clapped enthusiastically to keep the momentum of the song alive. Sukumar was lost in his world. His physical presence was a clever pretension.

He hoodwinked everyone in believing that he was part of the youthful gang. He was attached and detached at the same time. He beautifully managed to portray a fake smile, as part of his participation in the roller coaster ride. They all had saved for a month to come to Lion’s Den, to mark the end of their university days. They had asked for whiskey, the finest for their pockets to endure.

Sukumar’s priorities had changed. He wanted the corporate job desperately. The interview was long and grilling. Job opportunities were few and far between. Liberalisation was almost a decade away in India. His father could not afford to pay for the bribe a local politician was asking for to fix his job in a government department. Owning a business enterprise was deemed lowly in his family of academicians and doctors.

“If I don’t get this job, Jaya has to marry her fiancé,” Sukumar blurted out all of a sudden. Song came to an abrupt halt. Friends looked anxiously at him. “All will be fine. Don’t worry you will get the job. Trust us. Now, enjoy your drink,” the five almost sang in unison. The comical timing of his friends’ consolation genuinely touched his happy chord. He smiled, this time from his heart.

**********


Jaya had never expressed her displeasure at Sukumar’s drinking habit. She had adjusted herself well with the fact that in a high flying corporate job her husband had to drink, to be part of the crowd. Sukumar has always been a moderate drinker, but he drinks almost every day. Past few months saw some unpleasant changes. Sukumar would sit alone in his reading room and drink till the wee hours of morning. Initially Jaya would ignore it as work related stress.

However, the day she found her husband lying unconscious on the floor, surrounded in a pool of undigested food materials, which probably he had thrown out from his mouth, everything changed between Sukumar and Jaya. The sight appalled her. But, it was Sukumar’s indifference towards the whole episode which appalled her the most. The next day he was again found in his reading room drinking.

“Sukumar you need to mend your ways. You’re on bed rest, but still drinking. What’s wrong with you?” Jaya could not stop her irritation. “Leave me alone. I am fine,” is what Sukumar managed to reply back. Present is perfect, future too seems rosy. Then what is wrong with Sukumar. It was his past, a past episode that haunted him.

Sukumar had kept the secret to himself. In the rigmarole of his life it was buried in the deep abyss of memories. He could not believe himself that suddenly it would resurface into the forefront. First it had re-entered into his life. Then slowly it started following him everywhere. Now the secret has taken the form of a shadow in itself. His secret has grown bigger than him.

So, big that it has dwarfed him into a pigmy. Nobody can see him now. He too was almost blind to his surroundings. He left his job. Then Jaya left him with their two children. His house was sold off to pay his surmounting bills. His penury was talk of the corporate circle. Unbelievable, the most shining star of corporate world of Bangalore fading away into oblivion,” his peers would wonder. He however was not surprised. His priorities had changed again.

*************


Sukumar’s regularity at Lion’s Den is a legend by now. He is the most loyal patron of the pub. Earlier he would be the first one to arrive at Lion’s Den every afternoon, and the last to leave at night. As unpaid bills piled on, managerial decision of Lion’s Den barred Sukumar from making his entry.

The ban had no effect on him. He stuck to his routine. Every afternoon he would buy packets of arrack (the cheap local brew) and sit in front of entry point of Lion’s Den and drink to his delight. As a custom he would greet visitors before they could enter Lion’s Den. “Cheers!”

Rain (A SHORT STORY)

I set foot on her city on a partly cloudy afternoon.
The deep dark patches were roaring in agony. I thought the sky would burst into an incessant song and rid of the constant pain before pouring out unrestrained. Strangely, my wish did not come true. In a few minutes, the clouds started dancing, changing their shape and space constantly. But they looked audacious, unrelenting, and perhaps intoxicated in some kind of vague pride, decided to remain there in a state of suspended animation for almost a week, till the time I left her and her city forever. I had gone there to complete some unfinished businesses on behalf of my employers. How was I supposed to know that I would meet a person who would become a constant realisation of things left half done for the rest of my life! While I remained busy slogging and bartering my way to complete the task assigned to me by my employers, she perhaps roamed about the narrow alleys of her city — in search of me.


I did not know she existed, breathed the same air and lived in the same city that would one day become my city in the abode of my mind. I had sensed her presence every moment I stayed in her city, but ignored those incomprehensible thoughts as images built inside the vortex of a tired mind. I thought it was one of those delusionary moments you undergo when left alone in an unknown island with a huge task to accomplish. I had told myself clearly that the purpose of my visit was purely professional and until I bring a logical end to the entrusted work, I would block all visual and auditory sensations from my mind.

However, at times, you have to surrender to unknown realities of life, something never explained in any book of logic. I, too, surrendered to the unknown feeling tickling my senses as she appeared in front of me. Full of life and a smile that was fixed in her eyes... Her appearance was not anything dramatic. She was the way I thought and dreamt her to be, almost exactly. She had a round and plain face, comparatively taller than most Indian women, but it was her deep blue eyes-- unbelievably beautiful—where I almost got lost. Time passed off quickly, five days flew off in a jiffy. All I did was work. At night after coming back to my hotel room, I would open the window to look at the sky. Clouds would hover all over the space. As if the sky had lost its eternal façade of blue. All that remained were huge cotton balls of black and white. Grey would appear intermittently, making it clear that its appearance is needed to keep the mystery of life alive.


I would wonder endlessly, “What was holding back those patches of cloud?” Perhaps, love! My work was almost over and employers happy with my performance, extended my trip for two more days to enjoy the weekend in her city. The e-mail from one of my bosses read, “You are a diligent worker, we are proud of you. Enjoy the weekend in the city before resuming work on Monday.” I was slightly confused, “What do I do in her city? I don’t know a single soul here except for the constant sense of her presence. Is it enough to stay back?” Saturday arrived quietly. The sluggishness of weather outside had seeped inside me. A sense of stillness had fastened me tight, almost like those clouds balancing themselves over the endless sky. “Or, are those thoughts of her too good to wake me up?” I dreamt of dreaming about her dreams again and again. Next day, I remained in my hotel room bed till late in the afternoon.

I had no clue what to do in her city. By now, I could see the ominous black clouds lingering all over the place. They had cried out furiously a few times. But did not rain even then. I had a quick shower. Smoked a few cigarettes over cups of coffee in the hotel Cafeteria, and decided to take a stroll in her city. I greeted children and hawkers on the pavements, lovers lost in each other’s embrace, old women begging at the traffic signal, glassy showrooms selling fashionable clothes from Paris, line of trees washed in dust…I saw what I wanted to see in her city. Then I felt like returning to my room and again take a look outside the window at the same sky and clouds playing hide and seek. However, I decided otherwise and move ahead till I reached a huge patch of green land, something that resembled a park.

There were trees all around it, grass was neatly manicured and the music was loud. Evening had just descended by then and the crowd swelled slowly. A popular rock band was all set to play in sometime. I followed the crowd and found myself amid a huge sea of people, laughing, giggling, shoving each other to find their rightful place and cheer like maniacs to welcome their favourite rock stars. The force pushed me to an admirable place from where I could have a proper view of the podium, still waiting for the musicians to arrive.

Almost when I was intently following the pace of the rushing crowd, I saw her standing next to me. She was quick to greet me, “Hello!” I acknowledged her presence with a smile. For a few seconds I could not believe that she would find her way to reach me. “Or, I was pulled towards her?” “So, you like music?” I was too lost in her gaze, her sweet smell, her constant movement of lips, to satisfy her curiosity. “Yes, but not the crowd.” “Then let us move to our space.” I took a backward turn from the crowd and followed her haphazard steps to quickly rescue ourselves from the clutches of the ever-increasing crowd.


In a few minutes we were outside the park. Vehicles zipped past us. I stood still. She kept her eyes fixed on me. “Come, Let us move out of here,” she smiled and guided me to her car. I was not looking anywhere. Not even at her. But, ended up asking her, “So, we know each other?” “No. Is it needed?” The car started on a jarring note. It moved fast. By now I could make out she is not comfortable behind the wheels. She struggled, at times cursed at the maddening traffic, errant drivers and everything annoying that greeted us on the road. I did not do much. Nor did I ask her anything, quietly followed her like a shadow—almost silent and obedient. After an hour and a half, we had travelled enough. From the landscape staring at us from the window pane I gauged we had reached a suburb. The roads were less burdened with vehicles, human presence and commercial establishment. In between, I had located a few houses, painted in multiple-coloured hues, from the images reflected back by street lights pitched at an equidistant in the entire stretch.

It was almost 9pm, and suddenly I felt discomfort hitting my belly and I realised I was hungry and longed to eat a heavy meal. Perhaps she had sensed my inner craving, and stopped her car near a roadside dhaba. We ordered enough food for the two of us and ate in a state of haste. Then suddenly she started laughing with her mouth full of food. A few grains of food started flying out of her mouth and observing their trajectory, for the first time we looked into each other’s eyes and remained fixed in the gaze. I wanted to know who she was, and asked her name. “What is your name?’ She refused to reveal. “I am you. Do you need to know my name? Call me stranger…” The time which we spent together, mostly inside her car, as we took various routes touching upon couple of villages in the neighbourhood of her city, I tried to know her name several times. And, every time she pretended not to hear me.

All she told me was that she had a daughter and a husband. I thought perhaps she wants to protect her identity, her marriage, and a bit of her life. I did not poke further. For almost an hour or so, we decided to park the car near a secluded place, which perhaps leads to another township. Both of us decided to sleep for a while, before returning back to her city. Her eyes were almost red with tiredness.

We both dozed off. When we woke up my hands were tightly holding her left arm. I quickly freed her of my embrace, fearing an angry retort. As I took my hands off her, she was smiling at me. She came closer and we felt each other’s lips. My fingers moved all over her face, and tears rolling down her cheeks had moistened my palms. I rubbed them dry, but she kept on crying. I could not ask her to stop crying. Nor did she say anything before starting the car engine. Dawn had already arrived and I noted in my mind, it was already Sunday. After more than an hour, we reached the vicinity of her city. She told me, I need to get off her car, and a taxi stand was just five minutes walk from where she dropped me.

I agreed with a nod. Before I could leave her alone in her car, she kissed me hard and handed me a small sheet of paper with a phone number. “My phone number, call me when you feel like.” I walked out of her car, and stood still as she drove past me. I reached the taxi stand, but did not stop and kept walking for almost two hours. My feet started aching and that is when I decided to stop. I sat on the road side as a mild breeze tickled my bone. I looked up at the sky. The clouds were moving fast, they had all broken up into tiny little pieces and looked like a bunch of enthusiastic trekkers climbing a high mountain route. I thought rains were on their way. A bus driver took notice of me and stopped right in front of me. I managed to grab a seat in the awkwardly tiny bus, where around 50-odd people were crammed together, few sitting on each other’s laps, few on the floors even as I saw a few legs dangling from the roof top of the bus, touching the window pane as and when the vehicle negotiated some uncomfortable turn.

The bus stopped after every 15 minutes, as passengers and goods got loaded and unloaded. It seemed like an eternity, I thought this journey would not end soon. I tried to crane my neck out of the window and have a view of the sky. But forces playing all around and fighting a battle to sit and relax inside the bus, which stinking rich with human odour and smiles, left me with little choice. I was looking at them, but all I could see was her face. The face of the stranger that smiled at me, the mouth that kissed me, the arm that took me in hers. Afternoon was humid when I reached my hotel lobby. I ran to my room and dialed the phone number she gave me. It rang for a while and a child answered.

Before I could say hello, the soft voice in an agitated tone revealed, “Mummy is dead. Dad is busy with the police, please call later.” The line got disconnected. I started packing my bag. The weather bulletin later revealed her city received a torrential rain the day I left it forever.

And I let them flow..

It was a Saturday. My afternoon siesta got prolonged till early evening. By the time I woke up from my dormancy, the sky had already hidden itself in darkness. Streetlights at the other end of our neighbourhood were glowing bright. Bereft of the luxury of being decorated itself with street lights, our sector had a composed bearing, shops lining up the street help keep the area illuminated. I got up from my bed with a shudder as if I had a bad dream. But I could not recall the faintest of impressions left behind by it, as dreams in general do. Perhaps it was too good, or too bad. But what was it? I asked myself. I had already started feeling weak, restless and hated the darkness enveloping the room. As a manifestation of that uneasiness, I ran to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. In between, I lit up the entire house by switching on the electric bulbs. I wanted to murder every sense of darkness residing in the deepest corners. The milk came to a boil on the stove and spilled all over as I was trying to recall my dream. Cursing myself, I started wiping the mess with a plain piece of cloth. That is when I could feel warm tears rolling down my cheeks. My eyes soon turned into a river and the vision blurred. The darkness within and light outside fought a mini-battle. I watched them with a sense of detachment. Nothing belongs to me. I am an intruder with limited time. I have nothing to do with either darkness or light. But tears, warm and frosty at the same time, are mine. I cannot deny their presence and something that I had released from my self-imposed imprisonment. It is not easy to give away your own possession, especially something that you have guarded so passionately for a long time. I wondered, are they mine? I started cleaning the sticky salty trail of tears from my face with the corner of my blouse sleeve with the same vigour that I had utilised a few minutes back to wipe out the mess staring at me from the stove. It was a strange feeling — the freedom to cry. I remember it well, it has been ages since I last shed tears. I somehow developed this stoic self, not intentional though. I don’t know what triggered the icy-cold behaviour from me, but it stayed with me for long, till that Saturday, which was just another regular day before the evening, until the embankments guarding my inner fear broke free. Like there is no answer to my stoicism, similarly there is no explanation to what caused sudden ruptures in my eyes. The days preceding that Saturday were usual ones. Nothing striking happened that could be used as an excuse behind the sudden outpour. Was it my past that was still haunting me? My past experiences, where I had cleverly hoodwinked myself to believe that nothing has gone wrong. “It is just a matter of time, all would be fine," is how I kept myself fooling for so long. But nothing changed much. I kept on encountering one hurdle after another, one mishap after another, one heartache after another, one gloomy day after another. However, that adamant smile in my face remained fixed. I thought I look beautiful with my smile. Now, in fact, looking myself closely in the mirror, I look more grotesque. Like the pale shadow of my own image. In the game of survival all I did was pretend and deceit, no one else, but myself, my soul, my whole existence. Realisation dawned late. During winter you cannot ask your body not to ache in pain, and that too, when you are audacious enough to step out naked in the open, ignoring a high intensity blizzard that has already created havoc in your town. Is this ignorance or high-level of understanding which almost translates to self-destruction? “When in pain you should cry." I remember how Montu with his crimson teary-eyed face had once told me about the benefits of crying. "But boys don't cry," I had winked. "Come on! Your feminine soul needs that balm, no need to cross dress," he wasn’t smiling while saying that. I am sure he would have remained the same till today. Even on the day I came to know Montu died of alcoholism, I did not cry. Strange, isn’t it, Montu? Now, when I look back, I feel I behaved strangely. I know, you, too, would have expected me to react with shrill cries. After all, nobody reacts so detached when one’s childhood friend dies in such horrible condition. I heard that you had almost lost your mental compass months before you died. Alcohol did that to you. You had lost your charming self. But they told me that even when you were dead and lying in that coffin, ready to be buried forever, you carried that inimitable smile of yours. All I did after learning your demise was to say a prayer. I still sing that prayer, Montu… almost every day, something like a ritual. I remember it well, how popular you were among girls in school. You had a host of girlfriends… end of one affair would be quickly followed by another. I can’t remember a single day when you had spent without the company of a woman in your life. You used to almost brag about your conquests in front of us, something that would invariably make a few turn red with envy. I used to laugh it out. It was you who told me that love letters are to be written from hearts and not with the help of a dictionary that lies open in front of you. It is the purity of heart that does the magic in love. Every "love letter" written by you, even if for your friends, never failed to do the trick. A host of desperate guys and gals struck by that menacing cupid arrow would turn up at your doorstep to help them write that "perfect" letter to win their love. They used to be hilarious, with lines borrowed from Bollywood flicks, "If you are the moon, I am the moonlight, if I am the sun, you are my sunshine....." A few I heard were written in blood, as lovers took their ultimate vow in the name of love and slit open their arms to let a stream of blood ooze out. Those were rivers. They still flow beneath the mountains of my childhood. It was again you who told me that love and hatred should always be kept apart from each other. We should never try to mix them. To prove your point, you would cite political harakiri committed on part of both Pakistan and India to have peace talks, and border skirmishes going on at the same time. "Either the political leadership thinks we (citizens of both the neighbouring countries) are fools to trust their efforts, or they themselves are fools," you had commented like an expert. "We should know how to love and hate grandly. Otherwise, both turn meaningless," you giggled. Hey, do you remember that girl? I’m sure you do, I have vivid memories of her — the one with curly locks and short gait. I thought she was the real love of your life as you had skipped many a meals to save money to buy the most beautiful and expensive birthday card for her. I thought she, too, loved you honestly, which you often demanded from your sweethearts. But then she failed you. She left you for another guy, a topper and good looking guy from our school. It was a massive blow to you. That is perhaps when you started drinking. I don’t blame the girl for deserting you, leaving your heart all empty, forcing you to take to alcohol. She is what the norm is — to love and admire the best. After all, you were the poor Romeo of our school who often used to flunk in his mathematics paper. I guess you could have been better, putting a little effort in your studies and making a life out of your little-know skills. It is no grand affair to die an alcoholic’s death, Montu. You know I was very critical of you despite being grateful to you for introducing me to so many beautiful things about life like that of the flamboyant game of legendary tennis star Andre Agassi. That time he was known more for his style quotient than his game. But you were convinced, like you were convinced about so many other things, that the long-haired guy with watery eyes is a legend in the making. "Watch him out. He is a true stylist of the game and would change its grammar," you had admiringly told me about Andre. It turned out to be true like a prophecy after a few years. I hope Andre comes to know about you some day. At times I behaved mean. So much so that I didn’t even greet you the last time we met. You were in an “inebriated” state near the town library. I was appalled to see you like that… a few friends were trying to hold you and help you find those staggering footsteps. I gave you an angry stare. But you still did not stop smiling. Why did you do that? I was expecting the same anger and hatred for me in your eyes as I had for you. But, all I saw was innocence of days gone by. I would have appreciated had you shown me some kind of malice in our last meeting. Today, I could have been guilt-free. Guilt has chiseled itself into a stone in me, Montu. It is the same guilt I encountered when I saw my beautiful aunt turning into an apparition of her earlier self, as cancer spread across her body. In her last days, she was forced to wear a wig that had replaced her long tresses. I would go and sit beside her as her son would try to feed her in vain. She would throw up every spoon fed in double the measure. The helplessness in her eyes still follow me everywhere. It has made me a prisoner of myself. All these and many more episodes just piled on me, left me what I thought is the making of a home of an alien inside me. He first came as a visitor, then without any reason decided to stay back. I did not raise any protest against his audacious behavior. Rather, made him a part of my existence. Slowly, he grew more powerful, almost overpowered me, like the tiger overpowering a fragile deer inside a deep forest, where probably human footsteps have never fallen. I just remained a witness, like those crowd that surround a dead body lying on a road, interrupting the traffic flow. Most likely the stranger in a pool of blood is an accident victim. Nobody knows, so curious onlookers make a beeline like flies over a rotten piece of flesh. They are the witnesses to the vulnerability of human existence. But the same witnesses turn into voiceless spectators who quickly return to their world, easily forgetting that a gruesome accident had killed another life. I became one of those witnesses, to witness my own life, as it moved two and fro. I never made tea I so hurriedly got up to make that Saturday evening… there was no milk left for it. I discarded the idea of having black tea as well. Strangely, tears swelled up again in the corner of my eyes. But this time I did not resist. I didn’t make any effort to wipe them off. I went ahead with my chores, washed the stained utensils under the running tap, and clearly saw both my tear drops and soap foam getting mixed and flowing down the gutter.

The train that I never took

Long, long ago in a distant land near the river bed of Brahmaputra, my mother gave birth to me. Since the time I started learning to walk on earth, all I did was till the land and sow it with seeds. The seeds bore us fruits and rice and we happily ate it till the time a hoard of aliens marched into my land. They slowly spread across everywhere, took my land, my fields, my home and of course my luxury of eating freely. I was threatened in my own homeland, and my hungry belly cried in agony. It was in those moments of hunger and deprivation that I decided to leave my land and came to Bangalore with a group of friends. They called it a dream city. I too dared to dream here. My dream turned into a reality and I got job as a security guard in a palatial office near Outer Ring Road in Bangalore. Happily I toiled, saluted all smartly clad English speaking men and women and pretended to protect everyone from any immediate danger. Though I knew it well that with a mere stick in my hand, I would not be even considered as a first line of defence from any prospective threat to the company. I also knew it well I would be the first casualty if any untoward incident happens. But, I know death well enough, so the idea of dying in a freak accident never bothered me. I carried death everywhere, I dared to breathe. It was my familiarity with death that the factor of sharing any kind of repulsion against death never occurred to me. Death has always been a revelation to me, a constant reminder that tomorrow everything might come to an end. Why tomorrow? Maybe, now itself, the very moment we are interacting and sharing our thoughts in this chaotic space of life. I have seen and cried in great pain as my brethren died in bomb blasts and army encounters with constant regularity. I tell you, when one dies, the body looks no less than a huge chunk of flesh soaked in blood. Eyes would be always looking at a distant land. Perhaps in those unreachable track of land lies death -- silent and shy -- as it devoured my innocence in the wake of the killing of people whom I had loved and lost unabashedly. Death could not stop my hunger for living. I am thick-skinned, just greedy enough to complete the cycle of life I am blessed with. I have intelligently packed my losses and sorrows in a suitcase of agony. I never dared to open it, it carries a storm. And I know once opened, it would leave behind a trail of death and destruction. I fear not death, but yes, hunger creating storm in my belly and frowns in the faces of my loved ones. That is why I travelled more than 2000 km to provide security and safety to strangers, when I have never known or experienced the idea of a protected life in my own homeland. Farce it is, farce it was, and I feel like a joker in the entire act. So, when I was offered the job of a security guard, the absurdity of the task entrusted to me hit me hard. “Am I the right person for the job?” The shadow of doubt never ceased to leave me. It kept clouding and clogging my mind and heart for long. “Me --- defenceless, vulnerable, unprotected --- can I protect others?” I knew the answers well. I am and was not the right person to watch over others. But options were few and far between. So, I decided to listen to pangs of hunger devouring me. And, gladly accepted what was offered to me. That day I adorned the uniform of a security guard. I was given a sky blue shirt with the name of the security agency which hired me embossed on it with black and a pair of black trousers. I was also given a stick and a whistle, as accessories to highlight my poor bearing. I managed to stand out in the crowd. After all, the crowd entering the campus of the office could not afford to ignore my presence. That gave me some importance. I too basked in the glory. All of a sudden, people started acknowledging my reality. But deep in it embedded the reality of my existence. I was just a face — a chowkidar, a security guy who was supposed to get up from his creaky wooden chair every time people would enter and exit the building. They addressed me as bahadur, bhaiyya, and at times oyee too. And, happily I acknowledged them with my smile. Here I stayed, remained glued to my job, which fetched me Rs 10,000 every month after a decade-long loyalty. I was doing well, sending money to my ailing mother and two brothers for whom I was the only support system. That was my only motivation and pride that pushed me through all agony and hardships. In my dream city, I had a shack too. Not so long ago, I shared it with my friends. We used to cook, eat and sing songs of land left behind in unison. Occasionally, my lover would visit me. Her sweet notes of love would always impregnate the four walls of my dilapidated structure with a sticky aroma of desire, even long after she would leave behind my naked apparition with a renewed longing. My home had a leaky roof with a few holes decorating it with systematic regularity. Those gaps turned me into a stargazer. Up there in the sky lie the stars and nebulae. The universe was a fast expanding phenomena. I too was part of the growth. I might be the tiniest of the tiniest, but none the less, part of the greater life and its never- ending saga. In my confined life, I would always find excuses to make it meaningful in my own absurd ways. Nonetheless, I tried to survive and I deserve the credit of being a survivor. The monotonous existence almost made me believe that things would remain same forever. But change is perhaps the only constant. I experienced it again and again and I won’t deny that would happen to me again. That day my friend called me, and told me he was leaving Bangalore. The urgency in his voice was palpable. He insisted me to pack my bags immediately, as hundreds and thousands were leaving. All he said was the train would take thousands to Assam. “We would be safe if we can manage to catch the train.” As soon as my friend disconnected the line, I got a call from an old relative of mine from my homeland. All he did was cried. It was a cry filled with mourning. He was mourning the death of my mother and two brothers. The hut in my village had been burnt down and the fire devoured three of them. All they could manage to collect were a few skeletal remains of the dead persons. I remained silent. He too asked me when was I coming back home. I went to the railway station and waited for my friend to arrive. He arrived with a group of 20-odd acquaintances. They were all set to board the train. The train looked like a slaughterhouse packed with some clueless animals for the journey they had no idea about. In the melee as I was pushed inside the train by force exerted on me from all sides, I gathered all my strength and jumped out of the train. I cannot travel to collect the ashes of those whom I had left behind long back. I decided not to board the train. “If death has to come, it can come anywhere,” I told myself. “A displaced soul like me can never have a home. I have to make home wherever my destiny would take me. I just cannot leave my space in Bangalore which I have won in the past 10 years,” I repeatedly told myself. (This is the story of Surjeet Brahma (name changed). I met him at Bangalore City Railway Station, the day when thousands of people belonging to various parts of Northeast India left Bangalore. I was there to find out if any of my acquaintances were boarding the train. Like Surjeet I, too, did not board the train. Like him I, too, had my own reasons. Not all are lucky enough to find shelter in the safe confines of their homes. Some people don’t have a space called home, they are homeless. And we both have accepted that in different ways.)

Richard and Richard

My name is Richard. No, no, I am not Richard Loitham, the 19-year-old Manipuri teenager who died recently in Bangalore under mysterious circumstances. But we both share many things in common besides our first name. The slain architecture student was not just my namesake and I discovered the similarities in the past few weeks. Mysteriously, just like his death, all these things were previously unknown to me and came out in the open recently. But sadly, he is no more alive to discover the similarities. Or, may be I should say fortunately? I don’t know. I’m in a state of daze, actually. Like Richard, I, too, was born in Imphal. Like Richard, I am also a 19-year-old. Again, like Richard, I, too, am a student in Bangalore. The commonalities are growing in number each day, as I am discovering new aspects about Richard, the one who was hitherto unknown to me. However, the only striking dissimilarity in our existence (his tragic non-existence) is that he is dead, and I am alive. The thought simply sends chill down my spines. What if I (Richard) were dead, instead of him (Richard)? I have reflected on the same question again and again, but failed to get any answer so far. With so many questions remaining unanswered, I am hugely shaken by his death. I am yet to overcome my fear that Richard is dead. Probably that Richard could have been me. I cannot imagine my dead body with scars and blood marks all over it lying abandoned in a little corner of a hospital awaiting dissection. I never met Richard in my life. Neither was I aware that a person by the name of Richard Loitham existed in this world. I came to know about him only after he was dead. News reports flashed everywhere acquainted me with him. Initially, it saddened me. A fellow Manipuri allegedly killed by students of his own college was something hard for me to swallow down. As days passed by and I followed my genuine intrigue to find out more about my namesake, I slowly developed a strange connection with him. These days, I often think “I and Richard are alike, like twin brothers, living similar lives but different fates”. In fact, I was flooded with phone calls and text messages from friends, family and acquaintances to inquire about my well-being since most mistook me to be the slain Richard. That is when my fear turned into a reality of grotesque proportions. The monster of fear buried deep inside came out into the open and started having regular conversations with me. “So, I was not wrong. Your near and dear ones are also worried about your well-being. That means your fear is not at all unsubstantiated. Richard it could have been you — dead and mourned by all,” my fear would softly whisper into my ears. I would listen to my fear for a while. Then scream. “Go away, go away… leave me alone.” Fear, so much internalised by now, would resurface again with a vengeance, more fearsome than ever. “So my dear Richard, what would have happened to your parents learning about your brutal end?” my fear would tease me. In those long conversations, I had completely lost myself. I had stopped interacting with the outside world. For several days, I kept myself locked in my one bedroom flat. No college, no friends, no outing, I was consumed by the Richard phenomena. I would ask myself. “Why was he killed? Why is it taking so long to establish the exact cause of his dead? Was he killed because he belonged to the alienated land of northeast India?” I know, in the Northeast, especially in Manipur, mysterious death of young people is as common as having three meals a day. So, people back home consume such news just like any routine event in a day. In Manipur, we have almost as many insurgent (outlawed) groups as the combined age of Richard and Richard — the number of outfits is 30, to be precise, and our combined age 38. So, all young men and women in Manipur (the entire northeast for that matter) are prospective terrorists, especially when “special laws” like Armed Forces (Special Powers) Act (AFPSA) makes a mockery of living in a ‘free country’. The shroud of “disturbed area” tag engulfs the entire northeast India, almost since the Indian republic got its independence. On mere suspicion, people are arrested and killed at point blank by the law enforcing agencies in our region. Please, don’t think I am cribbing. I’m just wondering (aloud) how did the Central government, which is always short of time and concern when it comes to affairs related to the Northeast, manage to formulate such great a law (AFPSA) to rule and govern only the Northeast, though later on extended to Jammu and Kashmir. It is true Northeast is hit by militancy, but tell me about one place in India where crime and killings don’t take place. You can’t. But I can tell you that nowhere else in India, common citizens have to prove themselves to be law-abiding citizens of the nation every day. Survival for the northeastern people, unlike others from the rest of the country, is not a mere permutation and combination of earning and spending. Our struggle is deep-rooted in myriad complexities, not even easy for us to understand, forget about explaining it to the rest of the world. Our helplessness has taken the form of silence and now we all are dumbfounded. A few who want to break the shackles of the age-old silence at times drift to the wrong side of the law. They pick up the guns, as you know free-flow of blood in the northeast is not a new revelation. However, there are a few who are still hopeful and that hope helps cross many hurdles at times. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons why thousands of youngsters move out to mainland India in search of education and livelihood every year. And in this mass migration from the far-flung areas, a couple of years back two Richards had left their homes as well with dreams of a rosy future. Future is a tricky anticipation, forget good or bad. When our very identity and idea of existence is questioned frequently, present becomes more important, especially when it turns unbearable. At a time when one Richard is dead, the other Richard is mulling about his existence. Is it worth taking the risk to leave our families and homes for a future beyond our control? “Better to die in our homeland, then to travel thousands of kilometres to get ourselves killed,” I fret sitting in my bed, staring endlessly at the ceiling, whose colour has given way to dark semi-circular structures left by incessant rain. Once in a while I stand in front of the looking glass and examine myself minutely. My eyes are small, and turn smaller, whenever I try to smile. But trust me, I don’t suffer from myopia. I can see my world clearly. And it the same pair of eyes which draws criticism. People who don’t look like me facially think they can see clearer. They feel I can’t see most of the things happening around me, but strangely it’s their parochial view that is blinding. During such moments, I see things my way. “Why don’t we have the courage to accept diversity?” Anyway, I cannot help it if they want to see only faces who represent them. I cannot turn into a clown or clone myself. Here I bask in my ‘different appearance’, even if that attracts scorn from others. With these thoughts flooding my mind every day, I decided to take a break. “Let me not think for a while. Let me be myself.” I took a walk in the narrow lanes of my neighbourhood. As I stepped ahead, I crossed my neighbourhood and went further and further. For almost two hours I walked endlessly in various corners of the city. Seeing what I mostly miss, soaking myself in the summer heat and almost assimilating in a crowd which is as mixed and strikingly different as colours of a rainbow. “Yes, I am a part of the rainbow crowd.” My next destination was the newly opened Bangalore metro. I hopped onto it. From hundreds of metres above the ground, I saw the city in a different perspective. Everything looked strangely beautiful and scenic. I tried to savour the goodness unfolding right in front of me. I know once I get down from my elevated status, reality would greet me again. I would be Richard again, not Richard Loitham, but the Richard who is somewhere deeply hurt and feels alienated.